The Tension That Makes Us Whole
16 June 2025
Why True Presence Requires Making Room for Gratitude and Discontent
“You can be grateful and want more. You can be happy and still strive.”
, Ryan Holiday
“Can you always be in regular, meaningful contact with your own sense of gratitude?”
It’s a powerful coaching question. One that doesn’t demand an absolute answer but invites a deeper look and some serious thought.
We often speak of gratitude as a practice, a mindset, a habit even.
But what happens when gratitude feels out of reach?
And perhaps more importantly … what takes its place?
It’s something that’s occupied my mind recently as I have gone through a period of severe busyness.
The Days I Forgot
There are days (a lot of them recently) when I forget how lucky I am.
When priorities change, when tiredness creeps in, when the joy is still there, but buried beneath “the noise”.
And yet … there’s always a point in the day, sometimes late, sometimes in silence … when I remember.
It could be a quiet moment over dinner or a message from my wife or daughters (usually wanting guidance on something trivial).
An unexpected pause in the chaos.
A reminder that aside from “the most important thing” at work in that moment, the real important things are outside the 9-5.
Gratitude, for me, isn’t a state I live in all day, but it’s a place I return to again and again … like a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
When Gratitude Feels Distant
Gratitude is often packaged as a wellness fix, something we can bolt onto a stressful life to soften the edges.
But true gratitude is a “felt” sense. A lived, embodied experience of appreciation.
There are times when gratitude comes easily (a quiet morning, a kind gesture or moment of clarity) and there are other times (when you’re overwhelmed, frustrated, tired) when that sense feels distant, perhaps even forced.
This article isn’t about how to be grateful all the time, It’s about how to stay honest, grounded, and emotionally agile (when you’re not).
When Gratitude Goes Quiet
We all have periods when gratitude slips into the background.
The calendar fills.
The pressure mounts.
The wins feel small.
The setbacks feel personal.
In these moments, gratitude doesn’t disappear completely, it just becomes quieter as the volume increases on “the noise”.
The first step is to notice when this happens, to notice with gentle awareness.
So, when gratitude feels distant, what takes its place?
For some, it’s resentment.
For others, numbness.
For many, it’s a low hum of obligation - I have to instead of I get to.
The aim isn’t to silence these feelings.
It’s to understand them, because even dissatisfaction has something to teach us about our values, our capacity, or our unmet needs.
The False Choice - Gratitude or Dissatisfaction
Many people believe they have to choose between being grateful, or being discontent.
In other words, either celebrate what is, or push and strive for something more.
But the truth is more complex and more human:
You can feel grateful and dissatisfied.
You can appreciate what you have and want more.
You can honour the progress and long for deeper meaning.
Emotional maturity is the ability to hold multiple truths at once.
This is not a flaw … it’s a sign of growth.
Gratitude without longing can become complacency.
Ambition without gratitude becomes burnout.
The magic, I find, is in the middle.
It’s in intentionally deciding to not choose one over the other but learn to hold both … with grace.
A quick pause
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Practising Contact with Gratitude
If gratitude is a place we visit, then contact is how often and how deeply we go there.
You don’t need to feel grateful every second of the day.
But regular, meaningful contact (moments of recognition, quiet awe, deep breath) is what shapes your emotional climate over time.
How do we build that?
By noticing the ordinary: Gratitude lives in small pauses, not just in grand successes.
By naming it out loud: Spoken gratitude has more staying power than gratitude felt or assumed.
By returning to the body: Gratitude is as much sensation as it is thought.
And when you can’t access gratitude?
Ask yourself: What would I see here if I were in a grateful state?
That question doesn’t demand an answer.
It simply reopens the door.
Reflection Prompts
When was the last time you felt genuinely, effortlessly grateful?
What’s your relationship with dissatisfaction? What does it show you?
Do you allow yourself to feel two things at once, or you I default to clarity over complexity?
What simple, repeatable practices help you reconnect with gratitude?
Who in your life reminds you of what really matters, and when was the last time you told them?
Final Thought
Gratitude is not a destination we reach, it’s a place we return to.
When we forget, we can come back.
When we lose contact, we can reconnect.
When we feel stretched thin, gratitude simply waits in line.
It’s almost impossible to be positive about everything, all of the time.
I think it’s about remaining open to what is here in front of us, or something ever so slightly out of view that we lost sight of, or perhaps what could be - the thing we are yet to see.
And maybe that’s the deepest kind of gratitude … not to deny any form of dissatisfaction, but the grace to hold both.
Gratitude and dissatisfaction will never (and can never) be held in equal measures, and my gift to you from my recent struggles, is that realisation.
And when you awaken that kind of presence, you are not just grateful.
You are whole.
Remember, the path to extraordinary is walked with a thousand small steps, you’re doing great!
Your Small Steps
Can you really feel grateful and dissatisfied at the same time?
Yes. In fact, this emotional duality is a mark of maturity. You can honour your longing without invalidating your blessings.
Action: Write a split-list: “What I’m thankful for” on one side and “What I’m still working on” on the other.
Let both stand true - without correction.
What if I feel guilty for not feeling grateful?
Guilt creates more distance. Instead of shame, try curiosity. Gratitude is not an obligation.
Action: Replace “I should be grateful” with “I wonder what gratitude might notice here.”
See how that changes your perspective.
How can I reconnect with gratitude in a busy life?
Make it small and repeatable. Don’t aim for fireworks - aim for touch points.
Action: Anchor gratitude to a daily moment … before coffee, after brushing your teeth, or at the close of your workday.
Is forced gratitude ever useful?
Performative gratitude can backfire. But intentional redirection (choosing to look for what’s good) can train your attention over time.
Action: Use the phrase “I get to” instead of “I have to” once today.
Notice the tone shift it creates.
What if I can’t find anything to be grateful for?
That’s ok. Start with noticing what you’re noticing. Sometimes, gratitude begins with simply observing your own state without judgement.
Action: Sit quietly for two minutes. Ask, “What’s true right now?”
Let the answers come without forcing the positive.
Barry Marshall-Graham
Executive coach and leadership advisor
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