The Comparison Trap
20 October 2025
Why measuring yourself against others keeps you from becoming who you are meant to be.
It starts quietly.
You scroll, you listen, you look around
Before you know it, someone else’s highlight reel is echoing in your mind.
They’ve achieved more.
They’re further ahead.
They look happier doing it.
You tell yourself you’re just “benchmarking.”
Beneath it however, a subtle heaviness builds. It’s the kind of heaviness that makes your own achievements feel smaller. The kind that replaces gratitude with envy, clarity with noise, and purpose with pressure.
This is the comparison trap: that invisible, constant measuring of your worth against someone else’s timeline.
I guarantee you, it’s one of the fastest ways to lose momentum, peace, and self-trust.
Why We Compare
Comparison is hardwired into us.
For most of human history, it helped us survive by gauging safety, status, and belonging within the group.
But in the digital age, that instinct has gone into overdrive. Social media, career milestones, and highlight-driven success stories bombard us every day. We’re no longer comparing ourselves to a small circle of peers, we’re comparing ourselves to everyone, everywhere, all the time.
The perhaps obvious result? Chronic self-doubt disguised as ambition.
We forget that other people’s wins aren’t indictments of our own pace or achievements, they’re simply reminders of what’s possible.
From Comparison to Connection
The antidote to comparison is connection.
When you compare, you isolate yourself in scarcity thinking: “If they’re ahead, I’m behind.”
When you connect, you see the truth: “Their path isn’t mine, their destination is different … and that’s okay.”
True growth doesn’t come from measuring yourself against others; it comes from measuring yourself against who you were yesterday.
And ironically, the people who appear “ahead” are usually too busy doing the work to worry about where they rank.
Your progress becomes meaningful the moment it becomes personal.
A Personal Reflection
There was a time when I measured almost everything.
Career milestones. Recognition. Growth. Even creative output. I was outwardly successful - hugely so - but inwardly, I was losing peace by the inch.
The turning point came when I realised that comparison had stopped being motivation. It had become my own personal thief of my joy, gratitude, and presence.
When I finally stopped looking sideways, something surprising happened: my work got better. My ideas became more original. My leadership became more grounded.
The constant comparison had been diluting my authenticity - which, I’ve learned the hard way, can’t grow in someone else’s shadow.
Reflection Prompts
Who are you comparing yourself to most often. Why?
What assumptions are you making about their life or success?
How would your energy shift if you focused on your own progress for one week?
What’s one area of life where you can redefine “enough” on your own terms?
What would it look like to celebrate others without diminishing yourself?
Run Your Own Race
Comparison makes you chase ghosts - versions of people who don’t exist outside your own imagination.
The real work is not in catching up, but in showing up.
You are not late. You are not behind. You are exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn next.
Run your own race, at your own pace.
When you do look around (and you will), let it be to admire others, not to measure yourself against them.
In my experience, the most fulfilled people aren’t the ones who win the race…
They’re the ones who realise they were never in one to begin with.
Remember, the path to extraordinary is walked with a thousand small steps, and you’re doing great!
Your Small Steps
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
Awareness is step one. Notice when comparison arises and name it without judgement. Then redirect focus to your own goals.
Action: Write down one personal metric of success that has nothing to do with anyone else.
Isn’t some comparison healthy?
Yes … but only if it inspires rather than diminishes. The test is simple: do you feel energised or deflated after it?
Action: Identify one person who inspires healthy comparison and one who triggers anxiety. Adjust your focus accordingly.
How does comparison affect leadership?
It erodes authenticity. When leaders copy others, they stop modelling trust. People follow presence, not perfection.
Action: Ask your team, “What’s something uniquely ‘me’ in how I lead?” Lean into that.
What role does gratitude play here?
Gratitude dissolves comparison. It shifts focus from what’s missing to what’s meaningful.
Action: End each day listing three things you’re proud of,big or small.
Can coaching help with this?
Absolutely. A coach helps you reframe your metrics and reconnect to intrinsic motivation rather than external validation.
Action: In your next session (or reflection), explore: “What would success look like if I stopped comparing?”
What if comparison drives me to perform better?
That’s fine, until it becomes unsustainable. External motivation fades; internal purpose endures.
Action: Channel competition into collaboration. Reach out to someone you admire and learn from them.
How can I teach this to my team or children?
Model it. Talk openly about your own progress without inflating or diminishing others.
Action: Start a “small wins” ritual where everyone shares one personal victory, no comparisons allowed.
Barry Marshall-Graham
Executive coach and leadership advisor
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